Choose love
I will choose love. Over and over and over again. Even if it seems to hurt. Even if I don’t understand why. Even if there are a million reasons not to. I will choose love. Over and over again
An ode to anxiety
For all those moving through feelings of anxiety, or those who have loved ones who are…. “And this is the place….the place I hate….where my throat tightens and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and sometimes it’s hard to breathe…. And I thought I was over this. Every time it happens I think I’m over it, and then it happens again. Over nothing. Old triggers. Boring wounds. The same shit.
I’m bored of myself. I don’t want this anymore. This isn’t protection. It’s poverty. It’s taking away from my life and making me forget how far I’ve come.
I am not this. I am not a feeling. I am not anxiety. I am peace. I am love. I choose love. I choose to be wrong. I don’t need to be right or feel justified in this. I can let it go. I can choose again. I do choose again
Your word
What does your word really mean?
Do you stand by your word? Is it your promise, your bond to follow through and commit, or is it just a fleeting moment of meaningless thought process?
Our words carry weight. They carry the energy of our creation and our sense of self. Who you are is, in part, created by the words you speak into existence and what they mean to you in relation to your actions.
Do your words match your actions? Do your thoughts match your words? If any of these are out of integrity, you will feel the upset in your body, and the response of the people around you.
You create with your words. Using language like “always” and “never”, “good” and “bad”, sets an energetic connection in motion. “Fuck my life” is a popular phrase that makes me want to curl up and cry – why would you want to create the energy of wanting to fuck your life?! Your life is a beautiful gift, even if you’re experiencing temporary moments of suffering.
Choose your words wisely. Please
Positivity
Positivity is not an inherently good or bad thing. Please stop thinking that you can’t acknowledge when you feel sad, or angry, or betrayed, or any other so called ‘negative’ emotion. It is impossible to negate anything. Denying something’s existence doesn’t make it disappear, it proves it’s there because otherwise there would be nothing to deny.
I’d much rather have a conversation with someone and feel the true depths of their emotion and realness, have them cry and shout and own their rage….than have some fake-ass conversation about how great their life is and how there’s always a silver lining. Yes, we can learn from our experiences and find joy in life, but only after we accept what our current experience is and honour it as part of the journey
Too much
Following on from my last post, I got told today that I was too much, too intense and required too much effort to be friends with. I nearly gave the guy a big F you but what I actually did was thank him for his honesty, leave, and cry on my friend’s shoulder.
I cried because sometimes, when someone inadvertently stabs at a wound, we question whether we should hold our head up high and be exactly who we are, no apologies….or look deep within ourselves to see if we’re triggered because they’re right, and we really are what they say.
I cried because I have been told many times, in many ways, that I am too much.
And then I cried because I realised that I had handled the situation less than gracefully, and less than I might have wanted.
Instead of being true to myself and speaking out about how I was feeling, I shrunk away and became uncomfortable in my own skin. I made myself small to make someone else feel more comfortable, and in the process, they felt my energy and determined I was too much effort to be friends with.
Being anything less than 100% yourself is a lose lose situation. It makes others just as uncomfortable as you are.
I learned such a valuable lesson today. I learned that, even though I knew it already, I could no longer suffocate myself for the sake of someone else. It just suffocates all of us.
I am a lot. I am intense with a big presence and I talk a lot about feelings and sometimes I get triggered and uncomfortable and it’s ok if that’s too much for some, but from now on, I will respect the other as well as myself by honouring myself, and letting them go the moment we feel it