‘For what can be forgiven but the past, and if it is forgiven it is gone.’ (ACIM, W-289.1:6)
I’ve sat with this quote from the Course a lot over the years. Sometimes I find it so helpful and comforting, and other times I find myself disagreeing with it entirely and having an argument with a book trying to convince it that it’s wrong. This second scenario is, in fact, my desperately trying to hold on to some form of hurt, a grievance or judgement that’s making me feel bad, but feel I need to preserve for protection, or to validate the depth of pain I experienced at the time it happened. It’s interesting how we do that, right: hold on to pain long after it’s finished?
Why we cling to the past
The Course asks, ‘Why would you cling to it in memory if you did not desire its effects?’ (ACIM, T-28.I.2:4). Good question. I always thought that my thoughts were somewhat out of my control. Then I learned I could change my thinking, but I still reserved some thoughts that were ‘too difficult’ or somehow out of my control and I couldn’t help but think them, and consequently be hurt by them. Despite a commonly quoted statement that there is no order of difficulties in miracles i.e. it really is all or nothing – if you can change your mind about one thought, you can change your mind about any thought, one is not bigger or worse or more difficult to change than another, it really feels like that sometimes. Sometimes, I have judgements or grievances that I just can’t seem to shift, no matter how willing I think I am.
I like to think of these particular pain points as ‘extra sticky’. For whatever reason, our ego wants to hold on to them. Often, there is an explanation. As I mentioned earlier, our ego thought system wants to believe we need to remember painful things and hold onto judgements and grievances because they protect us from making similar mistakes and getting hurt in the future. It makes total sense from a psychological perspective. This is theoretically how we evolved. It’s how we know what a table is, or a mug. It’s how we know fire can burn us. However, it does mean that we are often re-creating the very things that caused us pain all over again.
Memory versus grievance
There is a difference between memory (neutral recall) and grievance or judgement (active pain). You’ll know this yourself in some way. Most of us have memories that we considered very painful at some stage, but through processing or time or re-interpretation, we’re able to recall the memory without the previously associated pain. When we hold on to grievances or judgements, they can create built up resentment, trauma responses or self-sabotaging behaviours that affect our ability to be in the present and see safety where it is. We make associations in the present and link them to events, situations or beliefs about our past and respond as if those dangers are happening now. It prevents us from experiencing what is here, now. Instead we are constantly experiencing the past and projecting it into the now.
Where therapy and ACIM meet
From a therapeutic perspective, we’d consider these protective parts of us extremely helpful in certain situations, and perhaps overly active in others. Therapy helps us regulate the nervous system and discern what really requires protection and what is our brains creating links to past events that aren’t really applicable to the current one. ACIM teaches us that we are safe, always, and our fear comes from a belief in being an independent body, separate from God, oneness, love and each other.
I appreciate that’s a really hard thing to accept, particularly given the current events in the US and other countries where many, many people are terrified every moment of being kidnapped, killed or any other number of terrifying situations. The geopolitical climate feels very real to most of us at the moment, because we all have in-built beliefs about the world not being a safe place. We have history books telling us of the atrocities that our fellow humans have carried out. Of course we have beliefs and thoughts from the past that we are projecting into our current perception of reality. And make no mistake, it is real to us and experienced by us because we believe it.
You might feel some truth in what I’m saying, or at least the logic that we learn from the past and expect or project it into our current reality. We are programmed to look for threats before joy. Even so, many people would say that it’s better to be aware and protect ourselves than to be blissfully ignorant and imagine a world in which we are 100% safe, 100% of the time.
A practical middle ground
I’m going to suggest a middle ground, which doesn’t really exist in ACIM but may be helpful if you want to experiment with the idea of creating a happier present for yourself, regardless of what seems to be going on in the world.
Practice invitation:
I invite you to think of a person in your life with whom you hold a grievance. The smallest grievance is still a grievance (maybe your partner, child, parent, colleague…).
Notice what beliefs you are holding about them based on the past. They always do this. They never consider me. They’re incapable of…
Be willing to recognise that you think these things because of the past. Recognise the past is gone and the only place it exists now is in your head.
Say to yourself, or to God, ‘I am willing to exchange these grievances for miracles. I am willing to see a different reality now.’
See if you can create a space in your mind for this person to show up in a way that doesn’t bother, activate or annoy you. In order for you to experience them differently, you need to let go of your current image of them, otherwise you will always see them through that lens, whether or not they show up like that.
This might not be an instant practice (though it can be – I love instant miracles!) but keep noticing when you’re bringing the past into the present, and be willing to see the person as if for the first time, without any history.
One final note: this person’s behaviour might not change. The miracle isn’t about changing things on the level of form, it’s about you feeling peaceful. Believe it or not, that can happen regardless or whether someone changes or not.
Next month: TBC (letting inspiration take me…)
What resonates? What questions are coming up for you? I’d love to hear in the comments.
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