Love is not earned

Love is not earned. It is not something you ‘deserve’ if you meet certain conditions set down by others or society. Conditional love is an oxymoron. If it’s conditional, it’s not love. It’s coercive control.

We often think of this in terms of who has ‘loved’ us conditionally. We rarely turn the tables on ourselves and look at how we have contributed to sustaining a reality where expectations, boundaries and conditions are part of our bartering system for who, how and when we choose to ‘love’.

As therapists, and anyone interested in personal development, we are taught about ‘healthy boundaries’. These are often interpreted as rules of engagement. You do this and don’t do this and you’ll get this and not this from me. If you mess up, I will withdraw my ‘love’ from you.

In my study and practice of A Course in Miracles, boundaries have been a bit of a conflict for me. I was taught we needed boundaries to be safe and to be healthy. ACIM teaches that everything is either love or a call for love and therefore the only response should be to give love.

If we understand this correctly, there actually isn’t a conflict here but we must work within the realms of our own fears as we heal. If being around someone seems to hurt us, fear is present and we must do whatever feels most loving for all concerned. However, that doesn’t mean we walk away and continue to hold judgement and grievances towards that person. It means we move away from fear (sometimes physically if necessary) and towards love. We do the work of forgiveness (healing) in our own minds, regardless of what that looks like in the physical form. The Course is very clear – what we give to another we give to ourselves. What we withhold from another we withhold from ourselves. If we want love, we must give love.

Ironically, love is easier than we think. Love is just our basic state of being. It’s what we are when we stop judging. We don’t need to ‘do’ anything. Really. When we drop the attack thoughts, lack thoughts, thoughts of limitation and defence and making someone else wrong or ourselves wrong… when we just ‘be’ without judgement, all we are left with is a feeling of peace, and love.