Control
And in that moment, you realise, you never had control in the first place, and all the effort that went into trying and thinking you did … was wasted, and could have been far better spent in the “BEingness” of the experience.
Sometimes it’s not black and white
Sometimes it’s not black and white. Sometimes it’s all kinds of fucked up grey. Sometimes you want to draw a clear line…if only you could figure out what line you want to draw, and what side you want to be on.
The journey
These days there are moments when my heart physically aches from trying to open itself up.
There are moments when the struggle seems oh-so-very real and I’m triggered over and over again.
There are moments when I soften and allow myself to receive the love from others I so tentatively attempt to give myself.
There are moments when I think I’ve got it, and moments when I realise there are still lifetimes of integration to go.
Being triggered
Today I wrote two messages to people who have really triggered me this week. I wrote to them and thanked them for showing up the way they have in my life, because I know (now) what a gift it is and how being triggered by them showed me what I needed to let go of, and what I needed to integrate fully into my life.
There is faith in my detachment
There is faith in my detachment.
There is a deeper understanding that tells me that no matter what happens – whether I’m received or not, whether I get the response I hoped would nurture me or I trigger someone and they respond with attack – there is a faith that it is all how it’s supposed to be, and if it’s not the way I thought, something even better than I could have imagined will come from it.