*This is part of my Monthly Musings series, where each month I share reflections on A Course in Miracles and how we can apply its teachings. While these musings explore spiritual concepts, my practice welcomes anyone seeking support, regardless of their spiritual beliefs or familiarity with the Course.*
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Most of us have people in our lives (maybe it’s us) who seem to struggle with unhelpful or unhealthy patterns or behaviours. Sometimes they (we) might recognise this and say that they want to change, but they never do. I have had this conversation many times with friends, colleagues and clients. Why, if someone sees their behaviour or way of thinking isn’t making them happy, don’t they change? Or, I know this isn’t how I want to be, and I know what I want to do differently, but I just can’t seem to do it.
Start with compassion
Firstly, regardless of whether the person that popped into your head as you read that last paragraph was you or someone else, I want to invite you to start with compassion. That might feel very difficult, but it is the only way to ultimately feel more peaceful about whatever the situation is, or could be. Compassion allows us the space to see things more peacefully, without the judgement. It allows us to release the pressure we put on ourselves when we think we know everything and how things are or should be. We get to be innocent learners again – curious instead of jaded. Try it out.
A personal example
I had a little miracle recently, when I spent the whole day frustrated with myself and my physical body because of some symptoms I was experiencing that any medical professional would say was perfectly normal and something I should accept. I didn’t want to accept it. I spent the whole day frustrated and researching all the different things I should change in my life, or supplement with to ‘fix’ it. By the end of the day I was tired, fed up and feeling a bit powerless.
Although it took me all day, as I lay in bed lamenting that night about how bad women’s healthcare is, I found myself saying, ‘It shouldn’t be this way. I don’t want to believe this is the way it has to be.’ It was like a little lightbulb went off. I’d spent the whole day believing in something that made me feel horrible. I was choosing that. If I was choosing that, I could also choose something else.
The willingness question
There’s a section in A Course in Miracles called The Rules for Decision. It’s right at the end of the text. We spend a whole year doing this work and right at the end we get a step by step guide for how to feel peaceful. Go figure. The rules explain quite clearly that in order to have a good day, you must decide to have a good day. Easier said than done, you’re probably thinking. I don’t disagree, but it’s definitely worth trying.
Throughout the Course, there are numerous references about willingness. We must be willing to see things differently. All that is needed from us is a little willingness. Certainly for me, when I was early on in my studies, I found myself saying so many times, ‘But I AM willing – why isn’t it happening?!’
The scared part that says ‘no’
What I’ve learned in hindsight, both from my own experiences and watching others go through similar, whilst learning more as a psychotherapist, is that a part of you may very well be willing. It might even be a big part, or most of you, and it might desperately want to change, but if there is even one tiny small part that’s still scared (for many different reasons, more on that later), God, love, or your Self (whichever works for you) will not over-ride that scared part. If you are not totally, 100% willing, nothing will stick, and no lasting change will happen. Sure, maybe you can brute-force a bit of change with will power, but that will never be sustainable, because you’ll still be in conflict with, and abandoning, a vulnerable part of yourself that needs love and support.
So instead of getting frustrated with someone who says they want to change (or says they can’t), or yourself if this is you, I invite you to come back to compassion, and get curious about the part that is scared to change, instead of looking at the part that is happy to. The reason we’re not happy isn’t because we don’t want to be, it’s because a part of us (which may be totally hidden and unconscious) is scared to let go of whatever defences it’s holding on to in order to protect itself from some perceived threat. Throughout various types of therapy this is a really important thing to understand and look at. Therapists might call it resistance, secondary gains, reversals or something else. The point is, without that part being willing to take a leap into the unknown, change won’t happen.
Better the devil you know
We are very willing to be incredibly uncomfortable for the sake of survival. ‘Better the devil you know’ is a phrase most of us have heard, but maybe don’t know how much it plays a part in our lives. Our survival instinct is just that: survival. Not happiness. Not peace. Definitely not thriving. Just staying alive. The best way to do that: stick with what you know, even if it’s not ideal, instead of taking a risk and potentially having to face difficult emotions (who knows how difficult – maybe you’ll drown in them and fall apart?!), do things differently, confront people or situations that don’t serve you….change.
If we want to change, we have to be very gentle with our survivalist part. We have to earn it’s trust, and show it we care. We have to get it on side, and ask it for permission to try something different. We negotiate. We ask, ‘Am I willing to feel differently?’
What the Course suggests
“And if you find resistance strong and dedication weak, you are not ready. ⁷Do not fight yourself. ⁸But think about the kind of day you want, and tell yourself there is a way in which this very day can happen just like that. ⁹Then try again to have the day you want.” (ACIM, T-30.I.1:6-9)
Willingness is key. A willingness to try something different, that could bring more peace and happiness into your life. If you want to thrive, you can’t use the same strategies that you used to survive. You have to be really clear –
“At least I can decide I do not like what I feel now. (ACIM, T-30.I.8:2)….And so I hope I have been wrong. (ACIM, T-30.I.9:2)…..I want another way to look at this. (ACIM, T-30.I.11:4)….Perhaps there is another way to look at this. ⁴What can I lose by asking?” (ACIM, T-30.I.12:3-4)
If we want to do things differently, we have to really get to the point where we say, it’s worth taking a risk. I don’t know what is on the other side of this, but I want to feel differently, and so I’m willing to ask if there is another way of looking at this. If I saw this through the eyes of love, instead of fear, what might that look like?
A note about other people
Finally, a little side note for those who are thinking of someone else whilst reading this: no-one wants to be unhappy, or unkind. Unless they are a legitimate psychopath, they have empathy. They feel bad, even if they don’t recognise it – those feelings will be buried somewhere within them. If someone seems to be choosing pain and fear over love, it’s because the scared part of them is too strong right now. You can’t push them into ‘seeing the light’. They will find their way in their own time. It’s not about ‘they just need to go to therapy’ or ‘they just need to start going to the gym (or rehab)’. Change happens when someone recognises that the fear of the unknown is less than the pain and suffering of the known. When that scale tips, change will happen. Not before. Focus on yourself. Focus on being the light for yourself. Showing up according to your values and the way you want to be in the world. Be the example of light, instead of focusing on the dark.
Practice invitation
This week, when you notice yourself (or someone else) stuck in an unhelpful pattern, try this gentle approach:
Start with compassion. Instead of frustration, get curious: “What part of me (or them) might be scared to change?”
Check your willingness. Ask yourself: “At least I can decide I do not like what I feel now. Am I willing to feel differently?”
If you feel resistance, don’t fight it. Simply acknowledge: “And so I hope I have been wrong. Perhaps there is another way to look at this. What can I lose by asking?”
Be patient with the process. Change happens when the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of the unknown. You can’t force this timing – for yourself or anyone else.
Remember: You don’t need to know what the solution looks like. You only need to be willing to see things differently and trust that there’s another way.
What part of your life feels stuck right now? What would you be willing to try if you knew love was guiding the outcome?
What resonates? What questions are coming up for you? I’d love to hear in the comments.
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