(one possible reason)
If we grew up in a household with tension, but perhaps we didn’t understand why, our child brains went looking for an answer as to why things didn’t feel good. Since we are reliant on our parents / caregivers to feed and take care of us, we don’t often want to blame them. We also may not understand the family dynamics but just know it doesn’t feel good. Maybe the adults argue about us, or money (and we use up quite a bit of it).
With our natural instinct to find an answer to the problem, our only viable option is to internalise the blame and make it our fault. This way, we have some control over the problem and can become the joker, the perfect one (who’s no trouble), the mediator or the people pleaser in an attempt to stabilise the home.
Whilst this may help solve a temporary problem, it creates a bigger one – a belief that we have to take responsibility for others’ emotions, and if we don’t do the ‘right thing’ (whatever that may be), we and everyone we love suffers for it. This invariably happens sometimes (because we’re not perfect) and consequently a cycle of not feeling good enough ensues.
Once we are aware of this, we can begin to put responsibility back into the hands of it’s rightful owners, and learn what is actually ours to hold and look after. This takes time, patience and unlearning, particularly if we have built relationships based on this codependency as others may not like us changing the rules of the relationship on them. However, with perseverance you tend to find that the right people will learn to adapt and look after themselves and those who refuse to take responsibility for themselves will move away and find other caretakers.
Why don’t I feel good enough?
