The blog
thoughts from me to you
The gap
The source of any upset, discomfort or pain is the difference between the way we think something should be, and the way it is appearing to be. When we release attachment to our expectations, and instead allow things to be as they are, there is peacefulness, even in the midst of pain.
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Rock balance: @rhum_1st
Choice
She had no tolerance for wasting time anymore: not time spent doing things she disliked, not time in places or with people who didn’t inspire her or make her laugh.
She wasn’t judgemental, just discerning. She had learned over the years what she needed, what boosted her soul and helped her contribute the most to the world.
She often felt she didn’t contribute enough, that she could, and should do more, but she remained kind to herself and trusted the journey she was on was hers, and perfect in its evolution.
So she had no problem saying no, or yes, to whatever she did or didn’t need in her life, changing her mind, honouring her heart and doing what she needed to stay true to her soul. This was the way she stayed in integrity. This was her service. This was her Dharma. .
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Photo credit @tom.pelgrom
I like that you talk
‘I like that you talk’. So often I have been told that I talk too much, that I should stop, think before I speak, not say what’s in my heart, hide away the self-sabotaging patterns I’ve worked so hard to shift, basically not bring all of myself to the table, because it’s too much for people to handle.
And then someone says that. ‘I like that you talk.’ It’s not the first time someone’s said it, and it won’t be the last, but it hasn’t been that common in my life up to now. And yet, I’ve persevered, because I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I tried to hide myself from the world. It was suffocating. So instead I got told I scared people away, or was too intense, until the odd person comes along and says, ‘Thank you. You make it easier for me to talk. I know where I stand with you. You say what you mean.’ That’s the most important thing, because, quite honestly, I don’t have time to be second guessing people. If I expect honesty and clarity from other people, if I want someone to tell me what’s going on for them, instead of being passive aggressive or expecting me to mindread, I’d better be willing to walk my talk.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Your heart will thank you.
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Photo credit: @loveluella
The work
It always surprised her, how many layers there were. It seemed like a never-ending journey, because it was, and she could understand why so many people chose to live in ignorance of themselves. It seemed so much easier sometimes. To shut her eyes to her many, many ‘imperfections’, her wounds and her triggers, and pretend they belonged to someone else, some environmental reason that caused her upset. If it was something outside of her, someone else’s fault, it was someone else’s problem. She could just remove herself and dampen the feeling of discontent a while longer.
But she didn’t have that luxury anymore. She realised now that everything was on her. Everything was her choice – to choose how to perceive it. To revel in the gift or dispair in the poison. She had that power, and everytime she chose to deny it, she gave her power away: gave her power to the person, or the place, or the job, and put it outside of herself where she couldn’t use it.
She wasn’t doing that anymore. She had allowed herself to breathe into situations, conversations, energy that challenged her every pore….and looked, with curiousity instead of fear, at which patterns she found herself wanting to follow. When she allowed herself to be curious, when she allowed herself the space to feel the patterns instead of fearfully burying them, she gave herself the space to choose differently, to give a voice to what was present, and honour it as part of her, before choosing a different path. This, she realised, was how to change the pattern
Self-sabotage
She was so tired of her own mind creating problems. So tired of making meaning of things, and holding onto judgements so she could remain frustrated and annoyed with others and the environment. What good did it do her? Was it helpful for her to continue to hold so tightly to her righteous indignation of the arbitrary concepts of right and wrong?
And of course, the answer was no. So what was she to do, with the judgements and the opinions and the righteous indignation, except let them go?
To be in the moment, in breathing out without the heaviness of holding on to something which caused her only pain, she felt peace. In the release of the contraction, there was the space she’d been trying to create through force and pushing and the changing of things that are, how they are.
In the space, she realised the peace was there all along, and felt grateful for the annoyance that allowed her to find it
Being yourself
She was not alone in her wandering. She wandered, sometimes with purpose, sometimes without, but no longer alone.
She had found within herself an inner strength, a reserve she didn’t know was there, a sense of integrity that was raw and often triggering for those around her. And yet, in this integrity, in this honesty of knowing who she was, in the sharing of all of herself, even when she most feared she would be laughed at, she found comfort, strength and solace.
In this honesty, she also found the people with whom she felt at home, those who chose to love her because of everything she was, those who cherished the moments when she was raw and vulnerable, and honoured the courage it took to share so much of herself.
So, even when the way was unclear, and in the wandering she still sometimes found herself looking for home in a place or a person, she could remind herself of the home within her, of the peace that came from being honest with herself. That was enough
Choose love
I will choose love. Over and over and over again. Even if it seems to hurt. Even if I don’t understand why. Even if there are a million reasons not to. I will choose love. Over and over again
An ode to anxiety
For all those moving through feelings of anxiety, or those who have loved ones who are…. “And this is the place….the place I hate….where my throat tightens and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and sometimes it’s hard to breathe…. And I thought I was over this. Every time it happens I think I’m over it, and then it happens again. Over nothing. Old triggers. Boring wounds. The same shit.
I’m bored of myself. I don’t want this anymore. This isn’t protection. It’s poverty. It’s taking away from my life and making me forget how far I’ve come.
I am not this. I am not a feeling. I am not anxiety. I am peace. I am love. I choose love. I choose to be wrong. I don’t need to be right or feel justified in this. I can let it go. I can choose again. I do choose again
Your word
What does your word really mean?
Do you stand by your word? Is it your promise, your bond to follow through and commit, or is it just a fleeting moment of meaningless thought process?
Our words carry weight. They carry the energy of our creation and our sense of self. Who you are is, in part, created by the words you speak into existence and what they mean to you in relation to your actions.
Do your words match your actions? Do your thoughts match your words? If any of these are out of integrity, you will feel the upset in your body, and the response of the people around you.
You create with your words. Using language like “always” and “never”, “good” and “bad”, sets an energetic connection in motion. “Fuck my life” is a popular phrase that makes me want to curl up and cry – why would you want to create the energy of wanting to fuck your life?! Your life is a beautiful gift, even if you’re experiencing temporary moments of suffering.
Choose your words wisely. Please