That third phone call of the day, ‘Just to check in and see how you are’.
The second text from a friend, ‘Just seeing if you’ve had chance to look at that thing for me yet? No worries if not….’
That PM on Facebook from someone you barely know, ‘Just wanted to say hi and offer you this really good *enter generic product they’re selling*’.
Ever feel like you really need to set some boundaries in your life but you have no idea how to, or when you do, they don’t seem very strong because within a week it’s like nothing’s changed?
I was talking to a friend who was talking about these exact frustrations the other day and we were complaining together about how we let ‘these people’ invade our lives in such an intrusive fashion.
Since I hate complaining about anything, we decided to set some boundaries, but in order to do that, we needed to know why.
Reason no. 1 why you let people walk all over you:
You don’t realise it’s happening until it’s too late.
Reason no 2:
You feel guilty about saying no to people because you feel like it’s your duty as a human to please everyone, all the time.
Either way, you’re left with a problem. People think it’s totally fine to impose themselves upon you because you never say no. That needs to change if you ever want to get a bit of time for yourself so you have more energy and enthusiasm to help the select people with the select things you choose to.
My top tips for creating healthy boundaries:
1. Declutter Facebook and organise your notifications
Go through your friend list and unfriend everyone you don’t know well and don’t have any interest in getting to know well, or anyone who you’re just not really friends with. I know it’s scary, but they won’t know, and you’ll feel sooooo much better!
Also, go to your newsfeed and notifications settings and unfollow anyone who spams up your feed (you can still be friends with them) and set your group notifications to off (unless you really need them). All of a sudden, you can breathe again.
Next, uninstall Messenger on your phone. Scary, I know, but if people know they can’t get hold of you unless you’re at your computer, they’re a lot less likely to message you. And it allows you some wiggle time if you don’t want to respond right away.
2. Change your Whats App settings
Go to your settings and change them so people can’t see when you were last online, and block anyone annoying. Seriously. And stop giving out your number to annoying people. I like ‘I don’t actually give out my mobile number, but feel free to check out my business page on Facebook and we can connect there.’ (if it’s a date that’s a little more tricky and I’ll come on to that shortly).
3. Don’t be afraid to have the conversation
I know it’s super scary but the best way to set boundaries is to…actually set them….with the person, so they know. Otherwise you’re effectively trying to hide from them in some weird hide and seek game they didn’t know they were playing, which won’t leave either of you feeling great.
It can be really scary, especially if it’s a loved one or a friend, but if possible, do this in person rather than text. Sit down and think about why you’re doing this and what you’ll accept and not accept going forward. This is YOUR life and you are allowed to manage it how you see fit. I do a cord cutting meditation before I speak to the person so I remain in a good place.
Always make sure you let your defences go, before during and after the conversation, so that you are having the conversation from a loving place. If you keep the intention loving, for yourself and for them, it will keep the energy high and reduce the risk of them getting angry or upset.
A good opener:
“I need to talk to you because I’ve been working on relationships with my coach and I’ve realised I need to set up some boundaries in respect of what I say yes to. Unfortunately I seem to be wanting to say yes to everything and this means I’m too busy / tired / overwhelmed / overstretched to give anything / one the attention it deserves. That feels pretty bad for me, so I have decided that I won’t be doing XYZ anymore / that I can’t speak to you every day anymore / that I won’t be on Facebook or Whats App much anymore. This isn’t about you but about my personal space as I want to be the best friend / colleague / daughter I can be to you, but in order to do that I need to stick to these boundaries. I’m so thankful for your support whilst I make these changes.”
Please don’t ask permission to set boundaries with someone, they will probably say no or start to bargain with you or make you feel bad. Be firm, but loving and leave them with no doubt that this is a decision that’s already been made.
Let me know how you get on with this by posting in the comments or my Facebook page – I love hearing from you 🙂
