I had a conversation with a family member this weekend. They’ll remain nameless to avoid any upset. The conversation started because said family member, let’s call them ‘ET’, wanted to ‘have it out’ with someone close to them whose behaviour has been causing a lot of upset and anger for quite some time.
Slowly but surely ET was getting more and more worked up, explaining to us exactly what they were going to say to this person and how they were going to say it. When ET paused to take a breath, I said, as calmly as I could, ‘What are you hoping to get from saying all this?’
They looked at me blankly. ‘I want to say how I’m feeling. I want to get it off my chest and let them know I KNOW what they’ve been playing at!’
‘I know’, I said, ‘but what’s your intention? What reaction are you hoping for from this person?’
‘I WANT TO GET A REACTION!’, they yelled at me.
OK, so it was an emotive subject.
The problem was, this conversation was doomed from the beginning. ET had just admitted his sole reason for having the conversation was to provoke a reaction from the other person. Basically, they wanted to offload their feelings and annoy and hurt the other person as much as they’d been hurt and annoyed.
Do you see the flaw?
Revenge isn’t as sweet as we like to think it is. As I tried to explain to ET, the only thing that would come out of this conversation as it stood would be more hurt and anger, because that was the intention from the beginning.
ET didn’t realise that was their intention. It was completely unconscious. In fact, ET thought that by having this conversation they were helping the situation. Such is the case often when the Ego intervenes and tries to convince us that the way to peace and happiness is through pain and anger.
Let’s just read that again shall we? The way to peace and happiness is through pain and anger. How flipping ridiculous?! Yet we buy into this theory all the time. How often have you entered into a conversation with someone with the intention of getting a reaction, hurting them or scaring them? With the hope of what? Somehow ‘fixing’ things or making yourself feel better?
Next time you sit down to write an email, status update, pick up the phone or speak to someone face to face, ask yourself, ‘What’s my intention here? How do I want this person to feel? What would I like them to feel and what outcome do I want?’ If you come up with anything destructive, walk away and think again. Destruction will hurt you as much as them in the long run. If there’s a rift, set your intention to heal the rift and show the situation, yourself and the other person love and compassion. You may not think they deserve it, but if you want peace you will eventually realise this is the only way.
Sending you love, light and blessings,
Emma x
