Sometimes it’s easier to explain something verbally instead of writing it down, but I’ve also added a transcript below in case you prefer it. I hope this helps!

Video Transcript:

Good morning. I wanted to share something, and I was going to write it down but I think it’s easier on video, which I’ve been sharing with clients recently who are trying to make changes and trying to, let’s say, respond differently to certain situations or change some patterns of behaviour that they’re not feeling is that helpful for them anymore.

I think this analogy helps you have a bit more compassion with the process and understand the process, because what sometimes happens with clients is they understand what’s going on and they learn tools and techniques to do things differently. Maybe they’ve had some success with that and they’re noticing, “Oh yeah, like I’m doing the thing, I’m making changes.” And then something or someone comes along that’s quite a significant activation point for them or trigger, and they default to their habitual response. Then they beat themselves up for that because they’re like, “Oh, I was doing so well and now I feel like I’ve taken a huge step back and I just reacted the same way I always do.”

I want to offer you this analogy if you’re in that position.

When you think about—let’s say, and I would never do this just FYI—but you decide you set yourself a goal. You want to lift a particularly heavy weight. You want to get to a goal where you can bench press whatever it is. You can pretty much control the variables around that to set a timeline for your goal. So where you are now and here’s the goal, and you set out a training plan. The first week you’re going to start with really tiny weights and you’re going to do x amount of reps. The next week you might increase the weight, and then increase the weight, and then increase the weight. You know that steadily, slowly but surely, you will most likely reach your goal because you can control the variables.

In an ideal world, that’s what we would do with changing patterns of behaviour. We would start with people or situations that are fairly minor on that scale—strangers, or just something that doesn’t particularly bother you but it’s something that is there and you can practice with. Then over time, gradually, you build up the weight, you build up the muscle, and you’re able to deal with more and more challenging situations until such a time as you can deal with your family members, your spouse, the people who are really, really triggering in your life, and you can deal with them.

But life doesn’t work like that. So you’re on this training plan of small irritations to the really big triggers, but along this timeline, what’s going to happen is life will just throw in your spouse or your child or whoever is the most triggering in your life. And it’s okay that you respond the same way you always have, because you’re not at that point on your training plan yet. You haven’t got to that point where that muscle and that pattern is strong enough to deal with the bigger challenges.

So please don’t think that you have lost progress or you’re not on the right track if that happens. Just remember: I’m on my training plan and I’m still on the smaller weight or the bigger weight—I’m not on the biggest weight yet. So just because a situation has come in here which is really triggering for me and I’ve reacted the same way, it doesn’t mean I’ve taken a step back. It just means that’s not where I’m at on my training plan, and I’ll get there, but I just have to keep practicing with the smaller triggers, if you like.

So I hope that was helpful. I hope that made sense with my little timeline. I just find it—just be kind to yourself. Like, the best thing you can do when you’re making changes is celebrate the wins. Celebrate when you do notice. Celebrate when you do become aware. Celebrate when you do make a change, even if you don’t do it in the way you would like or as gracefully as you would like or as timely as you would like. Maybe it takes you three days to realise you were triggered—great, you noticed!

The more you can celebrate the wins, the more you’re training your brain to do the work. What motivation does your brain have to do this emotional labor if every time it takes a little step you’re like, “Yeah, well, yeah, not really good enough. Not what I needed, not the full package”? Why would it keep doing the work, right?

So please try and encourage yourself as well and celebrate the small wins. Yes, please! Awesome! More of that! I love that, because that’s what’s going to keep you motivated to keep on this track and keep improving the levels for yourself.

I hope that was helpful. I hope you have a beautiful day.