She was sure at one stage, the voice in her head wasn’t as mean as it became. She wasn’t sure what had happened that caused it to shout so loudly, every time she tried to do something. The voice would tell her she wasn’t good enough, she was kidding herself, she would fail. It would shout so loudly that even if she was able to muster the courage to move forward, the deafening sound would be so distracting she most often messed it up anyway. Sometimes she felt there really wasn’t any point trying, and so, over time, her world shrank. She shrank. She learned to exist, instead of live.
At some point, a therapist she worked with shared some insights and tools with her. It wasn’t an overnight process, some miracle new energy healing or a pill from the doctor, but it did give her the tools and shifts that empowered her to feel in control of her life again. She felt there might be hope she could be who she was meant to be, without the weight of the shouty, mean voice in her head.
For years she’d accepted the voice as part of her, but a part that couldn’t be fought against, argued with or beaten. The voice had it’s own mind, and it did what it wanted. It seemed to want to punish her, and make her life a misery. Somehow, she came to accept that this was the way it was. This was the way she was.
Then she learned that this part of her, was actually a scared part of her, built up over the years trying to protect her from rejection, from failure, from being outcast from the tribe, from the world ending. This part of her had learned somewhere that certain situations and people were scary, and that if it shouted at her, and was mean to her and told her she couldn’t do things, she wouldn’t….and then she’d stay safe.
All this time she thought the voice was out to get her, it was actually just trying to save her! She realised she had spent this time hating the voice, and trying to get rid of it, and even in the face of such hatred, it had stuck around and just tried harder to love and protect her. What a gift this voice actually was!
With this newfound understanding, respect and compassion for the voice, she realised she wanted to get to know the voice, talk to it and understand what it was so scared of. She felt if she could hear the voice out, without trying to shut it up, then maybe she could work with the voice to come up with some better options than being shouted at and too scared to live the life she wanted.
So she got quiet, closed her eyes, and invited the voice to join her. It was reluctant at first, what with the history of hatred and being told to shut up, but with perseverance, the voice began to trust her, and they struck up a sort of friendship. The voice told her of it’s fears, and it turned out they were all from a long time ago, when perhaps things had been different, and the only way she knew how to survive was to keep small and say nothing. Now, she could teach the voice that there were other ways, that actually, she was safe, that even if someone didn’t like something she said or did, she would be OK….they would be OK.
As the voice began to trust her, she was able to work with the voice to test out new scenarios, new ways of being and acting in situations, and showing the voice the evidence that she was still safe, and it didn’t need to be so scared for her. She was able to expand her and the voice’s comfort zone, and together they supported each other when it felt scary. Over time, the voice changed from criticising her, to encouraging her. It became her biggest cheerleader, and she blossomed into the person she was always meant to be.
They might have lived happily ever after. The end.
Understanding your Inner Critic
