Triggered

I had an eating disorder in my early twenties which, although awful, I was able to recover from.

Every now and again, with certain triggers, I get the urge to starve myself again. It’s a coping mechanism which I understand now and can even appreciate or at least have compassion for. That urge is with me today. It’s annoying, but it’s also OK. I am able to accept and welcome it and look after it, for today.

We are sometimes so fearful of our ‘big’ feelings that the very thought of one creeping up on us terrifies us so much we repress everything for fear of being overtaken…by ourselves.

Generally, we are much better at self-regulating than we give ourselves credit for. We will get fed up of ourselves often before we do any serious damage (not always, but often – our first instinct is survival after all).

This is why today I am not going to beat myself up, call myself a failure or fixate on the part of me that doesn’t want me to eat. I did that in my twenties and it was not helpful. Today I am going to flow, love myself and see what my emotions and my heart needs.

Beating yourself up for the small things prevents you from celebrating all the times you did something different or looked after yourself.

We need the wins. We need the celebrations. We need the love. It starts with you.