New clients often tell me that they know logically what’s happened or why, and so they can’t understand why they still feel or behave in a certain way. Like rationalising something should somehow automatically ‘fix’ the emotional side.
Unfortunately, those two sides of the brain don’t communicate so well. They speak different languages. I can fully understand, accept and even appreciate a situation, but still grieve the loss of it.
There is a difference between understanding the reasons something happened and accepting that it did. We often think that we are accepting something when really we’re just understanding it. Accepting something means finding a sense of peace in this moment, knowing that this other thing happened in the past that you can’t change.
This doesn’t mean minimising what happened, it’s impact or condoning anything. It does mean accepting that it happened and it can’t be changed and there is nothing to be gained by trying to change it in your head to make it ‘OK’ or to continue to punish anyone. We have to accept that maybe it just wasn’t OK. That doesn’t mean we have to keep the upset alive now in order to remember that it wasn’t OK. It can be not OK AND we can accept it happened.
When you accept something rather than try to rationalise and explain it, you can also accept your feelings about it and let them move through you and heal you. There is a peacefulness that sits alongside the pain. Losing someone or something, feeling like something was taken from you, takes a lot of mental acceptance, surrender and healing. Learning to love yourself through that, without making anyone bad or wrong will infuse more love into your life and support you in the process.
Acceptance vs Understanding
